Friday, October 13, 2017

Las Vegas Kind of a Bad Trip

"Yes, unfortunately it's kind of a bad trip....

Understanding and identifying the truth is, in many ways, akin to a psychedelic experience.

You are technically living in the same body, looking at the same four walls around you, but everything you thought you knew has radically changed.

Some of this awakening comes in the form of a "bad trip," complete with the anxiety, paranoia, panic attacks, sweats, anger, sadness and depression.

Your basic sense of everyday reality is betrayed so badly that you will fight these new ideas with everything you have in you.

Eventually, you realize you have been "living on the back of the dragon" your entire life, as the Asians say, and you simply never saw its true form before.

Everyone has to go through this phase as they learn the truth. It is a necessary "rite of passage" as you heal from an entire lifetime of being lied to.

Playing "attack the messenger" is a much, much easier and more psychologically comfortable option than accepting the vomitous truth you are being shown.

For that same reason I try not to be upset by the awesome hatred that about two to five percent of the audience flings at me whenever I write about this stuff.

As I have said for many years now, "if you throw up, you'll feel better." The longer we go without doing this, the worse the violence will become."
~ Quoted from David's Blog

Personally, much of my prior writings are about the evils of being born and raised into the Jehovah's Witnesses' religion. I have also stated that religion is only one  of the evils on this planet at this time. But it is a pervasive evil, which extends over the entire planet and across all religions. What you are about to learn is that the evil is imbedded in all religions, not just the Jehovah's Witnesses. True, each religion teaches "theirs" has the exclusive truth. If you want to get knocked out of your "comfortably numb" condition as my friends Kim and Mikey say, try this on for size. It's about the recent vile Las Vegas shooting "event" — for lack of a better word.

Vegas Terror and Disclosure: Is Something Very Big About to Happen?

by David Wilcock Originally Published October 10, 2017, 11:11 pm

Part One: Vegas Terror and Disclosure: Is Something Very Big About to Happen?

Part Two: The Secret Space Program and the Cabal


Personally, I don't believe extra-terrestrials (et's) are coming to hurt us. Rather, that would be another false flag to terrorize humanity into calling on the demonic shadow government to rescue us. A rescue from those folks would be humanity's final downfall. I recently watched a short but informative video called, "Dr. Steven Greer: Man-Made UFOs". It seems the government selected some "freak" humans from Hollywood to make us believe there are aliens who are coming to harm the planet. The globalists' method of operation seems to be "Problem —> Reaction —> Solution". To spell it out, "Globalists create a problem, they get a frightened reaction from we-the-people, Globalists offer their convoluted solution". We'd be inadvertently calling on the perpetrators of the crime if we were foolish enough to call on the New World Order (NWO) globalists to rescue humanity from the vey danger into which they put us. I trust no one gets deceived. The elite globalists are not our saviors!

This is the key: The elite globalist government is not our savior!

Part Three: Signs of a Cover-Up

Part Four: Insiders Suggest Imminent Exposure of Cabal

All Pages

Was this some sort of demonic sacrifice
offered in front of three religious icons?
With permission: David's Blog

My dear friends, please be patient with yourselves. It may take awhile for the magnitude — the sheer volume — of this information to sink in. However, if what you discover shakes you to your foundations, perhaps that is a valuable thing. It may very well be a gift for your soul, if it shakes you out of your slumber — your comfortably numb — condition.

Your comments are welcome, as always.


Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012 - 2017. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Crocuses Peek Out of the Snow

Strange sights in our yard these days. But then — weatherwise — its been a very strange winter. With the arrival of spring and the snow drops, came still more snow. As February and March rolled around multiple spring flowers made their appearance. Today, we have crocuses peeking through the snow. I doubt that the snow will last long. However, there is no assurance that more snow couldn't be on the way. Like I say, it's been a very strange winter. I have never seen crocuses in the snow before now. Nor have I seen quite so much snow in British Columbia before and I've been here since 2003.


About four years ago I planted bulbs in the lawn and they have been multiplying at a rapid rate of growth. Crocuses are such a welcome sight in the springtime. Along with their most welcome blooms comes the assurance that spring is on its way. Once the crocuses finish blooming, they go into remission until the next spring. We mow right over the location, without the plants being affected. How magically wonderful is that!


I also see daffodil plants are coming up everywhere but they aren't blooming yet. They usually bloom around Easter time. It's an exciting time of year. I am still hopeful that the snow will finally melt and we will eventually have summer.

Added March 15, 2017: Crocuses in the lawn




Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Welcome to the Snow Lilies!

The first signs of spring are upon us, and peeking out of the ground is solid proof. They're a little late coming up this year, but I say better late than never. Usually, by the middle of January, those sweet and lovely little snow lilies (or snow drops) poke up through the snow. This year, they cheerfully announced themselves the first week of February. Have a look.

Seeing these delightful little flowers absolutely warms my heart. They are such a welcome sight. I planted them along the entire length of the west side of the house.

Readers must know that it has been one of the worst winters ever, since arriving in Vancouver, B.C. in 2003. We were deluged with about two feet of snow at one point, and right now there is about a foot of the white stuff remaining. Yes, I realize that prairie folk laugh at us, but you must remember that you live on flat land and we live on mountainous terrain. I know what it's like to drive in the prairies: You drive on the snow there. Here, it freezes and thaws and freezes again, creating ice — so we must drive with caution on ice — not snow. Additionally, many people here don't know how to drive in the ice or snow. Another thing: many people here don't use snow tires in the winter. One last thing: some people with four-wheel drive vehicles think their vehicle knows what to do in the snow. Unfortunately, some of those folks learn the hard way that their vehicles don't really have their own intelligence. Oops, I digress.

Thankfully, the temperatures have warmed and the snow is currently melting. On the days that it rains, the rate of melting nearly doubles, it seems. These little flowers are planted right beside our home, on the side of the house with no snow, so they have a lovely and warm location. They also get some of the most welcome afternoon sun.

I love how prolific snow lilies are. They appear to double in number each year. The other thing I love about them is once they are finished growing and blooming for the year, they sleep till the next spring while other bulbs pop up all around them. In this same flower bed I grow crocus, daffodils, and tulips.  Then, when the bulbs are finished, up pop the white alyssums and the pink snap dragons, which bloom happily till freeze-up. I wonder if the flowers know how much they are appreciated. I wonder if they know how much joy and pleasure they bring to my life each year. I suspect they do!

Throughout the winter, I have been making a point of getting outside every day and going for a walk around the neighborhood. Some days, we take a drive to Central Park or Deer Lake Park and stroll there. We enjoy watching the geese, the loons, and other wild life. Once we were gifted with a preening Great Blue Heron! If the sun is out, the walk is especially enjoyable because the sun is such a welcome sight. I also take daily drops of Vitamin D with K2, on my Naturopathic Doctor's advice. He says these are important for continued bone health.

I'm looking forward to the summer. Last year I planted a group of another kind of lily that I dearly love: the Lily of the Valley. They bloom later in the season, but I'm eager to see them thrive this year. I used to have those little lovelies once upon a time when I lived in Lethbridge.

I still want to make room somewhere in my yard for Purple Lilacs. Those are among my many favorite flowers.

Back to the appearance of the snow lilies. When I see their lovely little faces, I know I have safely survived another winter. Yes, I find winters kind of challenging.




Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2017. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.




Friday, February 10, 2017

What is Vital Well-Being?


I view the theme of a blog much the same as an intention. Obviously, as I grow along my journey, my intention inevitably must change correspondingly. The purpose of the blog — the description — has changed a few times already since I began blogging in 2010. The most recent intention was: "After walking away from an antiquated patriarchal belief system, "Phoenix of Faith" author has her ups and downs. Some days go really well — and other days — well, she slides into a dark hole. Yet at a soul level, she has not given up on her right to live. Instead, she crawls out of her despair to seek the root source of the split belief within herself, in order to bring herself into balance."

But then, as time passed, I found myself outgrowing that old intention. For example, I don't slide into so many rabbit holes. And, when I do, they aren't quite so deep. And I don't land nearly so hard.

It turns out that I've been way too hard on myself, believing myself to be out of balance, believing I have split beliefs, believing I'm somehow "broken" and need an awful lot of fixing. It turns out that my inner being doesn't agree with any of that. It turns out there is an aspect of me that is not  at odds with itself. That part of my nature which expresses harmoniously all the facets of what I am doesn’t want anything from me. It sees no need to fix me. It sees no need to correct anything in me. It doesn’t need me to manage, it doesn’t need me to track, there is nothing for me to do, other than simply receive the invitation to simply “be" — how good is that!

Lately, I've been working on a koan, [pronounced kōh-ahn], a noun which means a non-sensical or paradoxical question put to a student for which an answer is demanded. Apparently, the word originates with Zen Buddhist meditators from Japan. I would go deeper than the dictionary definition by adding that a koan is non-sensical only to the mind — the answer must be felt  in the body.

Yes, indeed you found me out. I have been meditating for the past fifteen years or so. It's been a rough road. Along the way, I learned that it is a good idea to examine and re-examine my intentions for meditations, as growth requires many re-evaluations and adjustments. After all, nothing stays the same. I experienced some rough times in my past efforts to meditate.

Lately however, meditation feels like a refresh, a reset, a clearing, a settling, a nourishing. Interestingly and even surprisingly, I noticed it provides me with a sense of well-being. And even better, I don't have to go searching for it. It was there all along. I just had to notice it. Ah, yes. A sense of well-being was already present. So, why not give my attention to that?

I softly place my attention on that sense of well-being. I allow my being to rest further into that. So I notice that quiet, restful well-being with a sense of emerging vital well-being. I feel a sense of peacefulness, aliveness, clarity, refreshment, ease, quietude, vitality. That all feels like well-being.

How I've been feeling lately is quite a change from the woman who wrote all those previous blogs. I feel "new" and different, knowing that my own direct experience of well-being is showing me the way, bringing to consciousness just who I am and how to express myself.

It has been said that, "what you give your attention to, will grow." I like the idea of vital well-being-ness!

My new koan is,"What is vital well-being?"




Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.




Thursday, February 9, 2017

Mind Control Tactics in Religion

The act of shunning is a mind control tactic used by some religious groups to control their entire organization, using one so-called “scripturally-based” announcement. It’s an effective tool used to instantly discredit any member who dares to disobey the strict rules members are expected to follow. Members are forbidden to speak to or have anything to do with a disfellowshipped person. The entire religious community is required to engage in the shunning behavior. Sometimes the shunning results in an ex-member committing suicide. I write about several people I knew personally, while I was still involved in the religion. Directly or indirectly, suicide becomes the consequence of harmful religious beliefs ending badly.


Mind Control Tactics in Jehovah’s Witnesses

In a cloistered religious community such as the Jehovah’s Witnesses, when people get disfellowshipped, they often believe they have failed God and become self-condemning. The act of disfellowshipping discredits the ex-members and destroys their character. Consequently, their entire network of support is ripped away, including one’s own immediate believing family members. The worst thing about the heinous act of shunning is that when ex-members in desperation try to kill themselves, they receive no support. Ex-members are further condemned by the belief they are not entitled to a resurrection if they succeed in self-destructive behavior. In other words, eternal damnation awaits, according to their belief system.

Disfellowshipping is a fear-based teaching which paralyzes all members into submission, lest others receive the same harsh treatment. Tremendous pressure to conform to the herd mentality is brought to bear on erring ones and members-in-good-standing, alike. Disfellowshipping is the tool used by the few to control the many in the religious arena.

I don’t believe in blaming people. People react from their belief system and some religions believe in harsh rules. No, I would never turn the consequences back on the disfellowshipped ones. Here’s why. In my case, I believe my soul led me out of the religion according to my soul’s own right timing. How do I know? When I heard the news about my disfellowshipping, the most peaceful feeling swept over me. All I can say, it was a feeling of sheer grace that I will never forget. I knew I would be okay by purging the old beliefs.

Anytime I feel lonely for my family members who shun me, I recall that immense feeling of peacefulness and calmness. I am immediately reminded that my soul did the job it was called to do. That incident helps me remember who I am. Perhaps I was meant to experience what it was like to be shunned, so I could be in a position to reach out to others who suffer by being shunned. Suffering only continues unabated if people attempt to stay with the beliefs that got them into their shunned state. For me, that was the key to leaving successfully.

As I have said on several occasions, the only way to survive being shunned is to purge the harmful belief system and replace it with something more functional. In the metaphysical sense, when ones become affected by religious shunning, it is important to heal feelings of inadequacy, undeservability, low self-esteem, and herd mentality. It’s a long road, but their outer world will appear friendlier when such therapy is complete.

Related Posts


Read how I shunned my beloved mom.


Read the personal account of my own disfellowshipping..


Watchtower Uses Shunning to control the flock.


Link to Watchtower article promoting shunning.


Depression, Suicide, and Religion.





Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Embarassing History

1947

The Jehovah's Witnesses do flip-flops on their theology. It is an "on-and-off" system of belief when it comes to the issue of disfellowshipping members they judge as "sinners." The best example I found is located in the January 8, 1947 issue of their Awake! magazine in the article called “Are You Also Excommunicated?” which says:
“This is "canon law" which the Roman Catholic Hierarchy seeks to enforce on the pretext that it is God's law. The authority for excommunication, they claim is based on the teachings of Christ and the apostles, as found in the following scriptures: Matthew 18: 15-19; 1 Corinthians 5:3-5; 16:22; Galatians 1:8,9; 1Timothy 1:20; Titus 3:10. But the Hierarchy's excommunication, as a punishment and "medicinal" remedy (Catholic Encyclopedia), finds no support in these scriptures. In fact, it is altogether foreign to Bible teachings.~Hebrews 10: 26-31.

Where, then, did this practice originate? The Encyclopaedia Britannica says that papal excommunication is not without pagan influence, "and its variations cannot be adequately explained unless account be taken of several non-Christian analogues of excommunication." The superstitious Greeks believed that when an excommunicated person died the Devil entered the body, and therefore, "in order to prevent it, the relatives of the deceased cut his body in pieces and boiled them in wine." Even the Druids had a method of expelling those who lost faith in their religious superstitions. It was therefore after Catholicism adopted its pagan practices, A.D. 325, that this new chapter in religious excommunication was written.

Thereafter, as the pretensions of the Hierarchy increased, the weapon of excommunication became the instrument by which the clergy attained a combination of ecclesiastical power and secular tyranny that finds no parallel in history.”

Jehovah's Witnesses openly condemned the practice of excommunication. They said it was altogether foreign to Bible teachings.

Let's take a quick look at those scriptures in the JWs Bible, They call it The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (NWT). Matthew seems to indicate that it is proper to speak to someone if you think they hurt you somehow. Good if they listen, but if they don't, treat them like anybody else. But, don't mistreat them because what you loose on the earth, you also loose in heaven.~Matthew 18: 15-19

Karma will get you?

To me, the scriptures at 1 Corinthians 5:3-5; 16:22 seem to indicate that Jesus is the one who does the judging, and such a responsibility would not be left up to faulty human reasoning.

Galatians 1:8,9 warns that if some theology beyond what is written in the scriptures is promoted, the ones responsible would receive judgment.

Condemning another soul is equivalent to blaspheming. That's my take on 1 Timothy 1:20.

Hebrews 10: 30-31 sums it up nicely,
"For we know him that said, "Vengeance is mine; I will recompense" and again: "Jehovah will judge his people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of [the] living God."

What I find especially of interest is that excommunication was declared a pagan practice of ancient Greece and the Druids. Jehovah's Witnesses decided that the Catholics were remiss in adopting an ancient "pagan" practice. Jehovah's Witnesses affirmed they would never adopt any pagan practice of some superstitious Greeks or pagan Druid folk. I love the conclusion of that article which states unequivocally,

"as the pretensions of the Hierarchy increased, the weapon of excommunication became the instrument by which the clergy attained a combination of ecclesiastical power and secular tyranny that finds no parallel in history.”

Hmmm..."the instrument by which the clergy attained a combination of ecclesiastical power and secular tyranny that finds no parallel in history." I find that statement by the Watchtower people to be of great interest. Why?

1952

Five years passed and Jehovah's Witnesses changed their stance on excommunication. A pagan practice was suddenly a good thing if it meant they could blackmail people and hold their own members ransom. They began the shameful practice of disfellowshipping, as announced in their November 15, 1952 Watchtower pp.703-704 and discussed here.

So, since the laws of the land forbid murder, Jehovah's Witness members treat Apostates — ones who have left their religious organization — as dead. Yes, my children and several of my flesh-and-blood brothers treat me as dead because I no longer wish to be a member of the oppressive family religion. I lost an entire network of people I thought to be "friends" after one short announcement at the kingdom hall, announcing my disenfranchisement. How does one treat another as "dead"? By shunning — completely ignoring — such ones.

I speak from personal experience in saying it is embarrassing for the Jehovah's Witnesses to admit that they shun anyone. Indeed, I couldn't speak with anyone about my embarrassment. As a woman with young children, I was bullied into shunning my beloved mother because the elders judged her as wicked for leaving her abusive husband (my father). Then, years later, when I left the family religion, I was disfellowshipped and shunned. I recently found out I have two grand-children who I have never met.

Related Blog Posts


Grandma Visits Saskatoon

(This blog includes a letter from the elder who threatened me.) It is 1985. I lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and my Mom lived in Selkirk, Manitoba. I had been asking Mom to come and visit us ever since we moved to Saskatoon in 1978. Obviously, she was hesitant to leave her new husband, Alex at home alone because he suffered from a medical condition. Naturally, she wanted to make sure he was in good hands, if she came for a visit. Our family was very excited when Mom finally accepted our invitation to come and visit us and see our new home. She had arranged for a trustworthy family friend to look in on Alex while she was away. Read more...

Kindness of a Stranger

I was half a block away from the corner when the bus rolled up to the stop. "Oh, darn," I thought dejectedly. "There goes my bus." It was Monday morning and I was feeling sorry for myself. I looked up again and noticed the bus was still sitting at the corner. I picked up my pace, being reminded about a similar day last week when I had not yet reached the corner, yet the kindly bus driver waited for me. Smiling gently he said, "I know who my regulars are." Read more...

Shunning Ex-Members is a Religious Requirement

While browsing the internet today I stumbled across an interesting video. It is of particular interest to me because it was on the subject of religious shunning. While Jehovah's Witnesses official stance is that they do not interfere in family life, it is a personal choice to shun or not. Nevertheless, according to the video posted, I see clearly the official stance is merely propaganda for public consumption, in order to create the appearance of a benign religion … Read More…

Residues of the Bible

Without a doubt, the Bible is a most influential book, and not in a healthy way. As a child, the Bible was used by my parents to teach me obedience and subjection. It was a book that instilled fear — a book of oppression filled with harsh, punishing beliefs. My parents used the Bible to produce compliant children who were easy to control and manipulate. Read more…

Kill the Apostates!

Jehovah's Witnesses consider themselves a "moderate" religion. However, what follows is an excerpt from their Watchtower magazine, which reveals a truth about them that they might not wish to discuss when they ring your doorbell: Read more…

Outgrowing Religion

I outgrew my religion. Jehovah’s Witnesses is one of many religions full of oppressive rules which members are not allowed to question. If a member has doubts and questions, he/she is viewed as a “Doubting Thomas.” The member is then watched with suspicion, as he/she might be an “Apostate” — a heretic, an infidel, a Judas. After all, he/she might be the one bad apple that spoils the entire bushel basket. The only way to prevent “spiritual contamination” is to watch everyone. Even better, if the elders could get its members to tell on one another. And that is exactly what they do. Read more…

Tribunal of Religious Elders

(The story of my own disfellowshipping.) No sooner I climbed into bed and turned out the lights I was flooded with memories of the tribunal of elders who disfellowshipped me. The process of disfellowshipping quite literally cut me off from my family. My kids were told they could no longer have association of any kind with me. Read more…

An extensive discussion of the subject of excommunication and disfellowshipping may be found here.




Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.



Saturday, January 7, 2017

Family Photos 1985 Grandma Visits Saskatoon

If you prefer to start at the beginning, you may wish to start here. Or,

Family and Friend Photos from 1980-1982

Family and Friend Photos from 1983

Family and Friend Photos from 1984

Family and Friend Photos from 1985

Grandma Visits Saskatoon 1985

Circular Trip through St Mary's to Penticton to Home 1986

It is 1985. I lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan and my Mom lived in Selkirk, Manitoba. I had been asking Mom to come and visit us ever since we moved to Saskatoon in 1978.

Obviously, she was hesitant to leave her new husband, Alex at home alone because he suffered from a medical condition. Naturally, she wanted to make sure he was in good hands, if she came for a visit.

Our family was very excited when Mom finally accepted our invitation to come and visit us and see our new home. She had arranged for a trustworthy family friend to look in on Alex while she was away.

(click to enlarge.) Heather's journal entry
about Grandma's upcoming visit in July 1985.

While it is true that I returned to Manitoba from time to time for a visit, Mom hadn’t been for a visit to see us yet. Even so, she was as eager to see us as we were to see her. Finally, she booked a train for herself and my youngest brother, Steve to travel to the next province where we lived.

Heather and Grandma
even put on a dress for the occasion!
Heather and I
put on a dress
for the occasion
of Grandma's visit!
The weeks flew by until it was finally time to pick up “Grandma and Uncle Steve” from the train station.

Heather even put on a dress for the occasion.

And so did Grandma!

And so did I!

This was going to be a very special visit. It was my Mom's very first visit to Saskatoon and we wanted it to be memorable.
Heather and her Grandma, Uncle Steve, and brother Shawn.

We went swimming at Riversdale Pool. Heather invited Nicole (our neighbor and friend from Day 1 on Nesbitt Way) along with Nicole’s little sister. (If someone remembers her name, please let me know and I will update this blog.)

We had a picnic at Blackstrap Park.

Sometimes, we did things as a family, but other times Mom and I spent mother-daughter time together.

Shawn, Heather, Nicole's sister, and Nicole
posing at Riversdale Pool
Mom and I went shopping together,
we went for walks along the river,
we had long talks and generally caught up on a lot of missed news,
we breezed through malls together,
we had leisurely lunches together,
we explored antique shops together,
we bought knickknacks,
and rhinestone earrings.

Through Mom, I got to know Alex better and became certain they were very happy together. He loved her—adored her. I thought, what could possibly be wrong with that?

“I can see that life is so much better now than you ever had it, being married to my father!” I exclaimed over lunch.

Mom looked down and smiled contentedly and I was sure my hunch was right.

Shawn, Grandma, Nicole's sister and Heather's friend Nicole,
and Heather had a picnic at Blackstrap Park.
Steve must be off somewhere exploring!


I went to the weekly religious meetings without my mom, because she was disfellowshipped (since 1976) and preferred not to attend. So, Mom stayed at home and visited with Terry. I was sure God would have wanted me to keep attending meetings — set the right example and win her back to the congregation without a word.

I was going to fix everybody who needed fixing in our family!

So, what went wrong? Mom got in trouble with the elders soon after she left my dad in the early 70s. It wasn't long before she met Alex at her job in Selkirk. They began dating very soon after Mom officially divorced my dad. That’s when the elders judged her adversely. According to them, she was not scripturally permitted to date a new man. Not only that, she was not allowed to even divorce her husband (my dad) because he still wanted her back. He wrote her letters, begging her to come back. In other words, according to the elders, separation — or even a legal divorce — didn’t count. She was declared an adulteress, and subsequently disfellowshipped. Once disfellowshipped, everyone in the congregation was obligated to shun her.

"A wife should not depart from her husband; but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband."—1 Corinthians 7:10, 11  New World Translation (NWT)

However, I believed I did not have to shun my mom, after all she was my mother! I was confident that I was an exception, as I had scriptural obligations to my mom. I felt sure.

The elders completely disregarded all the abuse she had endured during her nearly two decades of marriage to my father. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but deep in my heart I felt the elders didn't make a fair assessment of my Mom's situation.

Well, word of her visit to Saskatchewan traveled fast. About a week after my mom’s visit, I received a disturbing letter from one of the Selkirk elders, considered to be a family friend. The congregation back in Selkirk had gotten wind that my disfellowshipped mother visited with me. The elder wrote to warn me that if I didn’t cut off my association with her at once that I would be severely dealt with.

The body of the letter read as follows, factual errors, typos and all (click on image to enlarge):


What would prompt such a letter from a religious elder in my Mom’s hometown?

I was devastated. No one had a right to interfere with my mom’s relationship with me like this! It was such a violation of my rights. I struggled alone — I could not discuss it with my husband. He was not a religious member, in order to understand the religious reasoning behind this type of heinous treatment.

I could appeal to the elders in Saskatoon, perhaps. Yet, if I dared to verbalize my doubts, I would have been marked. I would have been watched suspiciously by the body of elders. I didn’t want to be known as a “Doubting Thomas” member or I would have been frowned upon. Worse than that, anyone else in the congregation who knew of my doubts would have disassociated themselves from me. I couldn’t risk that punishment, as I wanted to be known as a credible and respected member. I was told from the platform I had no doubts — so I dared not have any.

If I told the elders to leave me alone, who would support me in helping my kids to stay clean and sober and not follow the example of their father? Besides, I really believed what the religion taught. After all, I was in a spiritual paradise and there was nowhere else to go. I must stay at all costs. I can’t be disloyal because this test is from Satan. He’s trying to break my integrity. My integrity means my life. My attachment to the religion was strong. Yet, my decision to yield to the elder’s threat couldn’t stop the unending questions of loyalty and love for my mom or for the Watchtower Society. Both sides of the issue tormented me relentlessly.

I recalled the first time I told mom I loved her. It was when I left Terry in Winnipeg in 1973 during our engagement, after I discovered he used heroin. At that time I vowed I would always tell Mom — show  Mom — how much I loved her. Abandoning her now would mean I was betraying my own promise to love her always.

I reasoned that since Mom lived in Selkirk and I lived in Saskatoon, why couldn't I simply ignore the elder's letter and go about my business, as if nothing happened? No one ever needed to know I had been threatened in this way by a religious elder. Then again, how could I live with this ultimatum? I could leave the religion! But where would I go? How would I explain leaving the religious organization to my kids? This religion has the truth, doesn’t it? This is the way I should  live, isn’t it?

That’s when my ego took over and “spiritualized” the problem. That means I fell into a “spiritual trap” of sorts. The religion taught that when someone leaves, their un-spiritual action cannot be tolerated in the congregation. It is a mortal sin to leave the religion. Leaving the religion was the same as leaving God. If I had enough love, shunning could bring mom back into the religious fold and I’d be “saving” her.

Directly from the Kingdom Hall platform, how many times had I heard the admonition about the spiritual benefits of shunning?

I knew that protesting would be futile. I wouldn’t get very far because the entire organization was tuned against dissent. I was terrified to just quit the religion. I would lose the friendship of Rhonda, Cheryl, and Joyce. My life would be altered forever. I would have no friends and no one would speak to me. My kids would be hurt and disillusioned. Since I believed this was the only true religion, God expected me to do the right thing and obey the elders, who were his representatives on earth. Any disloyalty to the organization was synonymous of disloyalty to God and would certainly come back to haunt me.

Back and forth went my self-accusations.

About a week later, I received a package from my mom. She always sent me little cute things of sentimental value that I loved receiving from her. Little lace doilies, or candy dishes, or little ornaments that she just knew I would love.

This was decision-time!

This was my test!

I gave in to the religious terror that my dad and the elders had instilled in me all my life. I returned the package, unopened, scrawled with one word, “Refused.”

My heart exploded into  into great sobs, as I retreated to the bedroom and the tears spilled out. I muffled my wailing into a large white towel. My face emerged only long enough to gasp for another breath. My heart was breaking wide open. I couldn't ever  let Terry know how my imposition of this strict rule on myself affected me. He would think I'm crazy! Well — crazier!  The shunning was the right thing to do. I was compelled to shun my mom. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, or even what I really thought deep in my own heart. The elders issued the orders, they quoted the scriptures — and I was obligated to shun — or I would be disfellowshipped and shunned just like my mom. This was a test of my trust in God.

Of course my children saw what I did. They watched me shun my mom. They believed that what I was doing was the right thing, because I told them it was the right thing to do. I told them it would help my mom come back to the organization, if she really loved us — and God — enough. She would repent from her sin and tell the elders she was sorry.

Somehow, Terry found out what I had done and was very disappointed with my treatment of Mom. All those years since 1977, when I began my studies with the Jehovah's Witnesses, he hoped I would drop the entire idea of retaining membership in that religious organization, all for nothing. He hoped I was on a tangent, which was only temporary until he got me out of Selkirk onto his home court — Saskatoon — and away from those people.  But such was not to be. Jehovah’s Witnesses turned up everywhere we moved!

I was very naive as far as Terry was concerned. He viewed my behavior as delusional. And, looking back, I know now he was right.

At some point God was going to bless me for being such a faithful wife and mother, under adverse conditions, I was sure.

Looking back, that false belief of future blessings for my faithfulness feels utterly delusional. I was trying so hard to do everything just right by the group standards and beliefs. I hoped this would be the time of blessing, not just for me, but for the whole family. Yet, everything turned out so wrong.

Instead, I fell into a deep depression — or what I call a Dark Night of the Soul.

And it wouldn't be the first time.

Start at the beginning of Family Photos 1973

Family and Friend Photos from 1980-1982

Family and Friend Photos from 1983

Family and Friend Photos from 1984

Family and Friend Photos from 1985

Grandma Visits Saskatoon 1985

Circular Trip through St Mary's to Penticton to Home 1986

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