I view the theme of a blog much the same as an intention. Obviously, as I grow along my journey, my intention inevitably must change correspondingly. The purpose of the blog — the description — has changed a few times already since I began blogging in 2010. The most recent intention was: "After walking away from an antiquated patriarchal belief system, "Phoenix of Faith" author has her ups and downs. Some days go really well — and other days — well, she slides into a dark hole. Yet at a soul level, she has not given up on her right to live. Instead, she crawls out of her despair to seek the root source of the split belief within herself, in order to bring herself into balance."
But then, as time passed, I found myself outgrowing that old intention. For example, I don't slide into so many rabbit holes. And, when I do, they aren't quite so deep. And I don't land nearly so hard.
It turns out that I've been way too hard on myself, believing myself to be out of balance, believing I have split beliefs, believing I'm somehow "broken" and need an awful lot of fixing. It turns out that my inner being doesn't agree with any of that. It turns out there is an aspect of me that is not at odds with itself. That part of my nature which expresses harmoniously all the facets of what I am doesn’t want anything from me. It sees no need to fix me. It sees no need to correct anything in me. It doesn’t need me to manage, it doesn’t need me to track, there is nothing for me to do, other than simply receive the invitation to simply “be" — how good is that!
Lately, I've been working on a koan, [pronounced kōh-ahn], a noun which means a non-sensical or paradoxical question put to a student for which an answer is demanded. Apparently, the word originates with Zen Buddhist meditators from Japan. I would go deeper than the dictionary definition by adding that a koan is non-sensical only to the mind — the answer must be felt in the body.
Yes, indeed you found me out. I have been meditating for the past fifteen years or so. It's been a rough road. Along the way, I learned that it is a good idea to examine and re-examine my intentions for meditations, as growth requires many re-evaluations and adjustments. After all, nothing stays the same. I experienced some rough times in my past efforts to meditate.
Lately however, meditation feels like a refresh, a reset, a clearing, a settling, a nourishing. Interestingly and even surprisingly, I noticed it provides me with a sense of well-being. And even better, I don't have to go searching for it. It was there all along. I just had to notice it. Ah, yes. A sense of well-being was already present. So, why not give my attention to that?
I softly place my attention on that sense of well-being. I allow my being to rest further into that. So I notice that quiet, restful well-being with a sense of emerging vital well-being. I feel a sense of peacefulness, aliveness, clarity, refreshment, ease, quietude, vitality. That all feels like well-being.
How I've been feeling lately is quite a change from the woman who wrote all those previous blogs. I feel "new" and different, knowing that my own direct experience of well-being is showing me the way, bringing to consciousness just who I am and how to express myself.
It has been said that, "what you give your attention to, will grow." I like the idea of vital well-being-ness!
My new koan is,"What is vital well-being?"
Visit website "Phoenix of Faith" the memoir. Follow on Twitter: _Phoenixoffaith Copyright © 2012. Permission is granted to copy and re-distribute this transmission on the condition that it is distributed freely.